acceptance – The beginning of acceptance

Grief is the last act of love that we can give. But where do we go from grief? Grieving looks different for everyone, and sometimes people will tell you to just be over it now.

How many months has it been? I lost count. But at the same time, I remember like it was the first moment I heard the news. I feel numb like all of my senses were scattered on every pavement I drove.

The world kept on turning and I never forgave it for that. It never gave me the chance to weep and tear down. It revs faster than it was.

All the unuttered words of love, encouragement, and wisdom are left to fly by along with the wind as you bid your silent goodbye, no words, no everything, just you not showing up again.

Too many walls, yet similarly see-through. Too many words, yet again left unsaid. But between the heavens and the embers, I know ours was made to forgive easily too.

Now that you’re no longer with us, I just wish you had a pretty good life and have found the love you never found in us. Hoped you get to experience happy things. Maybe it’s selfish to say but I simply prayed that you get to smile too when you remember me.

I just wanted to say sorry for all of our imperfections, and yours was forgiven, too.

I thank God that life came to pass slowly today and that I dared to just let it all out. Pardon me if I’m being extra, but pain demands to be felt. We can’t heal from things we refuse to feel. I know it takes time, but on the day I drove on the pavement I never had my day one of mourning I was ripping off all along.

Right now, I am learning slowly, so very slowly to live around the loss of you. And I just want you to know, that in my silent days, I miss you a little louder.

God knows these won’t suffice for I have found a new footprint in you.

How do I start? What word should I say first? I don’t know, everything is just so messed up, no matter how hard you keep your balance, from work and dealing with your issues. One day you’re happy the next morning you can’t seem to wake up. The gravity is just pulling you so hard, you can’t seem to fight back. You just give away yourself and lie in bed the whole day. Doing nothing, just feeling the pain until it’s all gone.

The clouds started to pour rain on me and I’ve got nothing to protect myself from it. I’ve been soaked by it and neither I am complaining. It is what it is, sadly it happened too soon.

If only part of my brain could erase a core memory, I would gladly erase every part that you’re in it. Temporarily vanished, perish and just go away.

You wanted me to be happy again, you gave me breather so I can be me again, and I was so enchanted by that. I really am. I was amazed and surprised for all the good things that you do to me, how can I possibly let go all of those?

And now, slowly by slowly, the reality is here. Just me, alone. But I am not complaining. It just, my memory pops up a scene every corner of everywhere.

You.

Me.

Happy.

So tell me, where are these rains coming from? Is it from my memory or my reality?

I can’t tell apart, everything is surreal right now. The pain, I don’t know, maybe it would heal itself in time. The rain, I know it would stop, but it just kept raining everywhere I go.

And soon, when all else is fine, I’d still hope that you’d bring an umbrella with you.

Tag: acceptance

Of grief and forgiveness

The rains on Cornelia Street