Grief is the last act of love that we can give. But where do we go from grief? Grieving looks different for everyone, and sometimes people will tell you to just be over it now.
How many months has it been? I lost count. But at the same time, I remember like it was the first moment I heard the news. I feel numb like all of my senses were scattered on every pavement I drove.
The time I heard the news, my body started to default into denial. Others may say it was being resilient but as I moved forward I hereby knowingly acknowledge all the actions I took after.
The world kept on turning and I never forgave it for that. It never gave me the chance to weep and tear down. It revs even faster than it was.
Months passed by, and people kept telling me to just go on, but to me, that was the saddest part for nothing hurts more than a heart left to wonder all the parts of an unknown life being lived by someone who used to be part of your life.
All the unuttered words of love, encouragement, and wisdom are left to fly by along with the wind as you bid your silent goodbye, no words, no everything, just you not showing up again.
We never looked for you, because for us, avoidance is better than feeling all the unnecessary emotions happening all at once.
Several mistakes ago, you came home. And every once in a while, you came to celebrate with us from a distance, sufficient to see us all closely but not enough to start a conversation with the ones you once left.
And I honestly starting to think, I guess it’s getting better. No talks, no confrontations, just tight-lipped kindness and understanding. We were built differently, we’ve seen the worst to not close our eyes from the things of the past.
Too many walls, yet similarly see-through. Too many words, yet again left unsaid. But between the heavens and the embers, I know ours was made to forgive easily too.
Now that you’re no longer with us, I just wish you had a pretty good life and have found the love you never found in us. Hoped you get to experience happy things too, that somehow made you smile while fighting for your last breath. Maybe it’s selfish to say but I simply prayed that you get to smile too when you remember me.
I just wanted to say sorry for all of our imperfections, and yours was forgiven, too.
I thank God that life came to pass slowly today and that I dared to just let it all out. Pardon me if I’m being extra, but pain demands to be felt. We can’t heal from things we refuse to feel. I know it takes time, but on the day I drove on the pavement I never had my day one, I was ripping off all along.
Right now, I am learning slowly, so very slowly to live around the loss of you. And I just want you to know, that in my silent days, I miss you a little louder. And sometimes when I am lucky, I get to remember the happy thoughts we once had, but now I have to remember you for longer than I have known you.
God knows these won’t suffice for I have found a new footprint in you.
The beginning of acceptance 